Reflections on Competitive Motherhood

(Note:  I wrote this about a month ago.  I am posting it today.  Our church has been studying through Second Corinthians...we talked about boasting in weakness this morning.)


So, I am dragging my soap box out of the corner.  I try not to use it.  Really.  But sometimes, it is necessary.  So on a frustrating day, I opened up Facebook looking for happy people.  You know, the pictures of you at the beach, park, with your kids, grand kids, whatever.  Just something fun and cute.  Not what I found.  Instead I found a link to a blog post.  Since so many people I know had "liked" it or re-posted I decided to click it.  Bad idea.  And then I read it.  If you want to read it, I will include a link.

In case you don't want to read it, I will hit the main points. 
Motherhood is the most competitive thing ever
Social media makes the competition worse and places unfair standards
Motherhood is full of guilt
Definition of "good mom" from another blogger
Answer: boast in weakness instead of strength

Men shouldn't blog about mothers.  They just shouldn't.  I might cut a little slack for men who are the sole provider of care for their children 30+ waking hours a week.  I know a few dads in this category, but not many of them.  I don't think the author of this article falls into that set.  Even if he does, I said I would cut slack, not give a free pass.  I clicked through to the article by "Julian" and couldn't even finish reading it.  The good mom definition is wrong. 

"And whatever you do, if you are a good mom, you must make sure you get it all on camera so you can post the pictures on Facebook and the ideas on Pinterest to let everyone know you’re keeping up. Plus, you should probably earn some income (at the very least, open an Etsy shop) to prove you’re not inferior to the women around you who hold down jobs." - Julian

It might define some moms but it is narrow.  And I could define any vocation in a way that would offend and divide.  A narrow, petty view of motherhood doesn't do much to advance the Kingdom of God. 

I tried rereading the article.  Thinking about it as though a woman wrote it.  No dice.  Still don't agree.  I tried thinking through the first quote (see above) in the article, which takes the idea of motherhood on display and vilifies it.  Seriously, the first time I read it I thought, that has to be sarcasm.  Nope.  Even if mothers are using blogs, Facebook, and other social media to proclaim what their family is doing, it isn't necessarily wrong.  The author assigns motive.  The standards aren't from the internet only.  They are in every persons' head.  Even if you were the best, you wouldn't think you were.  He either doesn't understand internet or is incredibly naive.  Most women know that the "Facebook" front is not where they air their dirty laundry, so likely other women aren't as perfect as they look either.  If you post about your clean house, that means you are excited it is clean (read between the lines, "the house is never this clean").  There are many women who use social media to keep up long distance relationships with family and friends.  Others use it to glean or share ideas.  Not with spite or trying to show how great they are, but genuine excitement about their own family and love for others. 

Families in the United States don't operate the way of the past or other parts of the world.  There aren't multiple generations of woman to learn directly from through close communities.  Most families move on a regular basis.  There aren't quilting bees and knitting circles (I am like the least crafty person ever, so I don't even know if that is what you call them).  We live several hours from family.  Currently, my mom is on the other side of the world (12 hours difference).  You can't say that what we have in the internet is bad.  It is just different.  And it is all in how each individual uses it. 

Mommy Guilt:  Buying the "I'm not a good mommy" line is the same as buying the "I'm not a good  Christian" line.  It is a fallacy of false choice.  The guilt exudes from the thought that if you aren't a good mommy, then you are a bad mommy.  But it isn't either/or.  Motherhood is a vocation.  There are good days, bad days, and mediocre days.  Watching my Facebook feed after this article came out, there were many moms who started posting "weaknesses."  It is in quotes for a reason.  Weaknesses as stated in the article do not include what you feed your kids, not taking them for ice cream or to the zoo, not what brand of clothes they do or don't wear, not the type of music you play, or whether you drank coffee while pregnant. 

The weakness that should be pointed out in our lives is our dependence on God.  

That weakness is a good thing.  It isn't about the stuff, activities, blogs, and Facebook.  I think the author may have had good intentions when he sat down to write (most people do), but it seems that too many readers missed the point about weakness (both in their comments below his post and their opinions on Facebook).

Now, for his subject matter.  Competition.  Maybe I am alone on this one.  (Probably not, there are a lot of people in the world.)  I don't view motherhood as a competition.  I don't view being a spouse as a competition.  I don't care if your house is clean, although I will "like" it if you post pictures because you should be proud of your accomplishments.  When your kid says their first word, I will gladly comment.  It doesn't matter if it is at nine months or three years.  First steps, first words, pregnancy, loss, love, marriage, hurt, pain, heartache, they are all things we want to share.  We (or maybe just me) have a tendency to share the happy in public and the difficult in private, but we all share in our own way and own time.  It is just that instead of sitting around a table with my friends, I can share with my Maid of Honor who is in Indonesia, my mom in China, my friends from college spread throughout Macedonia, Germany, Japan, Albania, Russia, South Korea, Hong Kong, and the United States (and a few other countries I can't recall at the moment).  I love them all.  Hearing what they are doing brings me great joy.  I want to encourage them and share special moments.  Remind them I am praying for them.  Ship care packages.  But without things like Facebook, I would never keep up with address, moves, new babies, and friends from long ago.

So don't get mad when I post pictures or status updates.  It is an outlet to let you know what is going on.  An opportunity for you to participate in our lives.  So come take an active role.  Comment, post, "like".  Call us up, talk to us, invite us along on your journey, spend time with us, text us.

Life is meant to be lived out loud.

Traveling toddler

Zoe left this morning to go to Utah with Kevin's mom for a week. Kevin's mom is watching Paton and Charlotte for a week and wanted Zoe to tag along so Paton would have someone to play with. I have been getting ready for the trip all week. Talking to Zoe about flying (she flies a lot so at least that isn't new) and about being with Nana. Then there is packing for a 3 year old to be away for a week. It is one thing when I travel with her. I think I have family packing down to a science. But solo packing for a child...harder than I thought it would be. First there was the easy stuff. Clothes packed in daily pouches. A bag of extra socks, panties, and hair bows. And Pullups for overnight.

Then comes the tougher stuff. Personal things to make the trip easier. Of course Charly Bear had to make the trip. Her blanket to keep her warm on the flight. Then came a few of her items from ot that help her self calm if she needs them. Her camera, some toys, snacks, suckers, and a sippy cup. We also had a notarized medical release form, insurance cards, and identification paperwork. All things I think are essential when having someone else watch your child. Everything fit in her child size roller bag and child size backpack (except her pediasure which had to be checked...so it went in Nana's bag). Those bags are small. But I got it all to fit. And got them to the airport and stayed until they went through security.

Then tonight I put Wyatt in his room. And he cried. Not a Little. And not his normal bedtime fuss. So I went back in to check on him. He was standing in his crib pointing to Zoe's bed and crying. They are the best of buds. And his partner in crime was missing. I cuddled with him awhile. But he just wanted to point at her bed. So we went and played with puzzles, had a glass of milk, sang a few songs, and read a few books. Bedtime was hours late tonight. But who cares? Not me. Wyatt misses Zoe. A few extra kisses and some more time with mommy...it didn't hurt him. He doesn't understand why she is gone or when she is coming back. He has been looking for her all day.


I started this yesterday and am not going back to change it...so...she left on Saturday.


Today (Sunday), Wyatt continued to look for Zoe, but he is having great fun playing with some of her favorite toys and getting extra attention. 

We went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese today.  Consider this notice:  Zoe and Wyatt are not allowed to go to Chuck E. Cheese ever.  That was terrible.  I mean, the kids all had fun.  But the adults all looked like they needed to get a babysitter for the kids and leave for the night.  Frankie's Fun Park, the Aquarium, the Zoo, the park....anything is better than Chuck E. Cheese.


My packing list for future reference
The Panda Suitcase and Backpack

Here is a list of things I packed in the Backpack:
Comfort Items:
Charly Bear
Pullups for nap time on the plane

Food:
Dried Fruit
Cereal Bars
Empty Sippy Cup
Straws
Lollipops

Toys:
Colorforms
Lacing Cards Just a few with one lace
Magnetic Chutes and Ladders - I don't know where I found this, but it is awesome
Crayola Color Wonder Markers and Paper
Elmo Alphabet Cards
Headphones for the DVD player/music (packed in Nana's bag)
Camera

Important Papers:
(an absolute must, packed in a plastic bag just in case something spills or the bag gets wet)
Notarized Medical Release Form
Insurance Cards
Passport (or birth certificate)

The suitcase:
Pink blanket
8 outfits including panties, socks and hair bows
3 pairs of pjs
flip flops
Swimsuit
Pullups for a week
two sweaters and one sweatshirt
Toothbrush, hairbrush, ect

June

 Zoe loves to help in the kitchen.  Here she is making chocolate pudding.  A special treat for daddy.

 Zoe thinks whistles are the greatest toy ever.  I do my best to hide them (and anything that makes a high pitch screeching noise).  Somehow, she always finds them again. 

 4 kids at the zoo by myself, and I forgot the stroller.  For the record, we all made it home safely and had a good time.  The kids were all super obedient and awesome. 

 An early anniversary gift from my dad.  I love them.

 Wyatt finally figured out how to sit down on the slide by himself so I no longer have to stop him from going head first.

 Zoe and Wyatt love the swings at the neighborhood park. 

Zoe and her Chia pet.  This was when it first sprouted.  We talked about roots and shoots.  She is patiently waiting for her tomatoes to turn red.  There are 15 tomatoes on the plant. She has already promised to share with Wyatt. 


I threw Kevin a surprise birthday party this week.  First time I have been able to surprise him in 14 years.  I have tried before and always been caught.  We grilled out, then played bocce ball and Halo Reach. 

Today we wished Kevin a Happy Father's Day by going out to lunch with friends after church. Before the service started this morning, several of the pastors and other men at church did an awesome Father's Day Tribute.  We stayed for the beginning of third service to watch it again. 

My nephew's had birthdays this week.  Jakob turned one and Kaleb turned three.  We couldn't make it down for the party, but they look like they had fun.

Zoe is going to camp this week.  It is just 9-12 every day, but she is so excited.  Wyatt and I are hoping to fit in library story time at least once. 





We are adjusting to Kevin's new work schedule.  He went from 2:45pm - 11:15pm to 9am - 6pm to 6am - 2:45pm over 15 days.  In addition to the hours change, the days he has off changed.  Now he will stay early shift for 8 weeks before returning to his late nights.  It has thrown everyone's schedule into a blender.  I interviewed new babysitters to try and cover appts and scheduled events that have been scheduled before we knew about the change.  I registered both kids for the daycare they will attend in the fall.  Zoe will start one day a week in July while I take Wyatt to speech appts.  I am very thankful to be out of school for the summer.  The transition would have been much more difficult on the kids without me being home.  We normally change schedule 4 times a year.  This year, we have already had four changes and we have a minimum of three more coming.  It means we are less flexible with vacation and fun time, but we always manage to make the necessary changes for work and school.  I am extremely thankful that God arranged for my schedule in the fall to already be arranged. God also provided a speech appt for Wyatt that falls into an open slot on my calendar so he can continue uninterrupted until at least Christmas. 

I haven't posted in awhile.  I wrote a few posts but they are still sitting on my computer.  There is a lot on my mind, but the more thought-filled posts require some time.  And a lot of times they never get posted.  They end up being just my way of thinking though things. 

One of those posts is related to all of the competitive mothering posts, facebook comments, ect that have been out the last month or so.  I disagree with the premise, the process, and the suggestions made in most of the posts.  But I think maybe instead of writing why I disagree, I might write a post on my personal views of motherhood and why I do things the way I do.  (Hint:  I don't do things so other people think one way or another about me.  And just because I do things differently doesn't mean I think anyone else is specifically wrong.  I don't have time to sit and compare.)

The other two posts rattling around in my head are about making decisions for your child and how to support your friends in their decision making even when you might disagree with them.  That has been weighing heavy on my heart recently.  And thoughts on this world not being my home and how that plays out in my everyday life. 


Now, I am on to celebrate the week of Kevin.  I started off the morning with a cupcake for breakfast before church.  Hopefully, I will remember to take some pictures while we are out celebrating.